Friday, January 27, 2017

Friday Night Videos

Friday Night Videos

No subject has ever made such a popular subject for song as love. As long as humans have been making music, love’s far and away the top choice of lyricists to write about. Writing and discussing Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch, however, got me to thinking. Amid all that blissful romance, the darker flipside beckoned, and prostitution served as the inspiration for more than a few memorable songs. The Greeks and Romans sang about prostitutes, and minstrels in the middle-ages were more than a little bawdy. Cowboys of the American West favored songs so scandalous they could strip the needles from a cactus. It’s no wonder, then, that popular music of the modern era has produced countless songs about prostitution as well.

What follows in the coming weeks is a countdown of the top 10 songs (as compiled by yours truly) about prostitution of the modern era that were not inspired by the infamous Chicken Ranch brothel of La Grange, Texas. Between The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas soundtrack and ZZ Top’s “La Grange” (not to mention works by Willis Alan Ramsey, Billy Joe Shaver, the Austin Lounge Lizards and numerous others), the Chicken Ranch would simply have an unfair advantage.

2. “The Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp” – O.C. Smith
While many songs take the point of view of the prostitute or customers, very few come from the viewpoint of a child. That’s what makes “The Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp” such a standout. With a blazing R&B sound, O.C. Smith’s 1968 hit told the back story behind the titular character’s mother, who turned to prostitution to feed and clothe her 14 children after her husband abandoned the family. His mother knowingly sacrifices her pride and dignity to provide for her family, while the neighbors, instead of offering to help, instead turn to gossip. Rather than wallow in shame, the son—now a man—extolls his mother’s selflessness and becomes an anthem against the judgmental. There’s also a country version with Smith and his young son performing the song with the great Johnny Cash:

Previously on Friday Night Videos... Bobbie Gentry.

Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch: The Definitive Account of the Best Little Whorehouse is now available from both Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. It's also available as an ebook in the following formats: Kindle, Nook, Google Play, iBooks and Kobo.

Now Playing: Brian Wilson Imagination
Chicken Ranch Central

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Office build along, pt. 8

When I last updated my office project in November, I'd routered down all the upright 2x12 boards along the far wall so that they'd fit in the space that was almost exactly 2 inches shorter than it needed to be. That was certainly a pain, but the real tedium had yet to commence.

To accommodate the horizontal shelving, I needed to cut notches in each of those uprights at a suitable height. The most effective way of doing so was to router a 3/4" wide slot 1/2-1/4" deep. Which is all well and good, except the shelving slots on one board need to match up with those of the adjacent uprights, otherwise the shelves turn out crookeder than a Trump cabinet appointee.

Easier said than done. For the life of me, I could not remember how I managed this trick a decade ago, so I got clever. First time out, I used tie-down straps to push two boards together in parallel (see below). Then I measured the shelf distance out and cut across both at the same time. This should make for perfectly matching slots, right? Wrong. I got anywhere from a half inch to a quarter inch variance. Ugh. Then I tried doing single boards, but measuring the next slot from the previous one. Even worse decision. One slight cutting error got magnified with each subsequent cut. Finally, I ended up doing what I probably did a decade ago, which is mark all the shelves along the board from the start, and cut from there.

I also ran into another problem. The ceiling in my new office is a foot higher than in my old one, so I naturally assumed I could fit in an extra row of shelves at the top. I began cutting the lower shelves, and about halfway up the board got that itchy feeling one gets when one sees a plan is about to go off the rails. It didn't look like I had enough room left. I measured, and sure enough, the upper two shelves would have to be about 9" tall each to fit. Which was a tight fit that could accept most books but not all. And it'd look weird. Double checking my numbers on the scratch pad, I realized I hadn't allowed enough room for the thickness of the actual shelves. Curses. Live and learn. Adjustments were made, so now you know why my bookshelves will have interesting spacing.

In the photo above, you'll see an adjustable rip fence/guide spanning the two boards. This turned out to be a major contributor to my early cutting errors. It was simply too long and unwieldy. It was great for cutting large boards, but not shorter cuts. I ended up picking one up that was about a third the size, and that eliminated most of the problems I was having. Other problems were self-inflicted. My decade-old 3/4" router bit had begun to dull, and left feathered shavings of wood along the top of the cuts. Not knowing how to re-sharpen router bits, I picked up a new one to finish the job. Well, when I replaced it, I didn't properly tighten it in place. The end result is that it loosened as I used it, and the groove I cut gradually increased to about a full inch deep on one of the boards. Fortunately, I was able to salvage the 2x12. But I made sure that damn router bit was tight for the remainder of the cuts! I had to cut the shelving notches into each side of each board--save the two on either end--and between family, holiday and other obligations, I was able to cut about one side per night. Not terribly fast progress, I'll admit, and it was slowed even more by the cold fronts we had in December and January because really, who wants to work outside in that kind of weather? But eventually I finished all the router work, just in time for the true Texas winter to set in, with highs in the low 80s.

Next up was the sanding of the boards. The lumber is all fairly coarse, so to be suitable for indoors, it needed several rounds of sanding. I used my Grandpa Fritz's old 30-plus-year-old sander (mine newer one crapped out last year) with 80 or 100 grit paper (I can't recall which, and am too lazy to go look). I went over all the boards with this, and took off a good deal of surface wood. This isn't a subtle grip of sandpaper. It smoothed out the rough edged and made quick work of those router "feathers" I mentioned upstream. It also created a hell of a lot of sawdust.

One thing that I learned from my self-building from a decade ago is that those stamped ink labels look like they wouldn't be visible once stained and varnished, but if anything, they stand out even more. I would cringe every time I saw those stencil marks at the old house. This time, I would not repeat the same mistake. So I applied the belt sander liberally, and eventually was rewarded with bare, virgin wood (that ink soaks in deeper than entirely convenient).

Unfortunately, belt sanders are not well-suited for finer work. Higher grades of sandpaper--in this case, 220 grit--require a lighter touch, so I broke out the old sanding block and applied some elbow grease. I ended up going through a sheet and a half of paper, slicing them into quarters to fit onto the sanding block. It doesn't take much effort at this stage. Lightly rubbing back and forth with only moderate pressure yields good results, and the board quickly smoothed out. Even so, working both sides of 10 boards is time-consuming, and it took me several days to complete the sanding.

Here they are, all lined up. From this angle, my myriad screw-ups, errors and outright errors aren't so terribly visible.

After wiping down all the boards with a damp cloth to remove residual sawdust, and allowing dry time, I'd reached the staining stage. Opening a new can of Minwax's "Special Walnut" (I'd learned my lesson after the paneling touch-up fiasco) I set to work. It took me about 7 minutes to coat one side of one board, so once I finished coating a pair of boards, it was time to wipe off any excess. I stained, then wiped, going through a bunch of rags and paper towels. I was able to stain one side one day, then after drying overnight, get the second side completed. It was a race against time, however, as the weather started turning against me. Intermittent rain and dropping temperatures were a looming threat.

The picnic table proved to be an excellent drying rack as long as it wasn't raining. Cold and damp hindered my work for the following week, but eventually the threat of rain passed and it sort of warmed up enough to do the next layer of stain. The upper 50s/lower 60s are not idea temperatures to do stain work, and certainly not with Minwax's "Dark Walnut." It's a thicker, darker stain than "Special Walnut" under the best of conditions, but with the chill, it was like painting with molasses. It went on thick, but wiping off? Hoo-boy. That stuff was stubborn. Gummy. Gloopy. Sticky. Clingy. I probably went through twice as many rags to wipe up this stuff than I did with "Special Walnut," and even had to make an extra run to Lowes for more rags. But in the end I completed the challenge, and while the 2x12 pine boards aren't a pretty as the oak cabinets, I stand by my earlier assessment than dual-layer stain just takes the look to the next level.

Next up: Polyurethane! Now Playing: Gene Rains Far Away Lands
Chicken Ranch Central

Friday, January 13, 2017

Friday Night Videos

Friday Night Videos

No subject has ever made such a popular subject for song as love. As long as humans have been making music, love’s far and away the top choice of lyricists to write about. Writing and discussing Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch, however, got me to thinking. Amid all that blissful romance, the darker flipside beckoned, and prostitution served as the inspiration for more than a few memorable songs. The Greeks and Romans sang about prostitutes, and minstrels in the middle-ages were more than a little bawdy. Cowboys of the American West favored songs so scandalous they could strip the needles from a cactus. It’s no wonder, then, that popular music of the modern era has produced countless songs about prostitution as well.

What follows in the coming weeks is a countdown of the top 10 songs (as compiled by yours truly) about prostitution of the modern era that were not inspired by the infamous Chicken Ranch brothel of La Grange, Texas. Between The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas soundtrack and ZZ Top’s “La Grange” (not to mention works by Willis Alan Ramsey, Billy Joe Shaver, the Austin Lounge Lizards and numerous others), the Chicken Ranch would simply have an unfair advantage.

3. “Fancy” – Bobbie Gentry
Bobbie Gentry courted controversy in 1970 with ”Fancy,” an unlikely feminist anthem. Raised in squalid poverty, Fancy’s mother sees prostitution as the only way out for her teenage daughter. Using the last of the family’s scant resources, the mother gives Fancy a slinky red dress and a heartbreaking piece of advice: "Just be nice to the gentlemen, Fancy, and they'll be nice to you." After that, the suffering family falls completely apart in the worst way possible, but Fancy indeed survives, climbing the social ladder as a call girl to the point where she carves out her own niche amidst high society, yet she continues to hold on to her humble, tragic roots like a defiant badge of honor. Reba McEntire’s 1991 cover became a top 10 hit, and remains one of McEntire’s most popular songs.

Previously on Friday Night Videos... Billie Holiday.

Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch: The Definitive Account of the Best Little Whorehouse is now available from both Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. It's also available as an ebook in the following formats: Kindle, Nook, Google Play, iBooks and Kobo.

Now Playing: Whitehorse The Northern South vol. 1
Chicken Ranch Central

Friday, January 06, 2017

Going bananas!

Remember when we had our last big arctic blast of cold air here in Texas just before Christmas? It was almost a full week of chill weather, with temperatures dipping down below--or close to--freezing each night. I set about covering several outdoor plants that haven't quite grown enough to ward off freezing weather, and hauled into the garage a number of other potted plants of a tropical nature. Planted near the swimming pool, however, are a couple of banana plants that've been in the ground a year and a half, and by my thinking, were approaching fruiting maturity. They'd grown quite a bit bigger than they were last winter when a scrap of landscape cloth was enough to protect them. I wrapped them top to bottom using some plant frost blankets picked up at Lowe's, along with a large fabric drop cloth I had from one of my home improvement projects. The freezes were never severe, but as the temperatures were unpredictable, I left them covered for the better part of the week. When I finally uncovered them with the onset of 70-degree weather, I was surprised to find this:

The crazy banana plant decided to flower just as winter began, during the coldest week of the year! Since then, fortunately, we've had two weeks of unusually warm weather--even for Texas--so it's put on some good growth and opened several more petals to reveal several more bunches of proto-bananas.

Alas, the warm weather was not to last, and Wednesday we got a shot of cold air that prompted me to start planning protection (which is actually good news, as my other fruit trees need some more cold weather if they're going to produce any fruit). The previous cold spell resulted in a number of dead banana leaves, as the frost blanket wasn't enough to protect those in direct contact with it. The looming arctic air mass had the weather forecasters predicting temperatures dipping down to the mid-20s for New Braunfels, and I know from experience that we generally run 3-4 degrees colder. Clearly, the flower and bananas would be at risk if I didn't increase the cold protection.

Turns out I had the solution at hand. We've been replacing our old Christmas lights with energy-efficient LEDs over the past few years, but hadn't thrown out the old lights. I had a few old strings of big C9 size lights, and those give off a nice amount of heat. Plus, I picked up a couple more strands post-Christmas at a deep discount. It's a good thing I got the extras, because I discovered our new puppy, Belle, had chewed through two of the old strands. Wednesday night, I wrapped the two banana plants up with C9 lights--the larger, flowering plant getting three strands (it also has two large daughter plants, or "pups," growing with it--and one for the smaller plant. Over the top of each I draped an old, small blanket, then wrapped them with the much larger (and thinner) plant frost blankets. I clamped all the edges and corners closed with plastic shop clamps to shut out any drafts and gaps, then anchored the bottoms with landscaping stones. I plugged it in and went to bed. Alas, three strands of C9 lights strung together proved too much for the older strand's fuse, and it burned out sometime during the night. Fortunately, we didn't get down to freezing. I did get to enjoy the fun of hunting up a 5 amp fuse today. I found one, finally, and restored the old strand to working order. I also ran an additional extension cord out to the banana and connected the two new C9 strands separately. This should reduce the amp load across the board enough for them to burn all night without incident, and even if we lose a fuse, there will be at least one strand powered separately to keep the banana plant, flower and baby bananas warm. This is how it looks:

I'm not a huge banana fan, although I like them well enough on their own. But I remember growing up that my grandmother always had banana plants growing in the back yard, and was always disappointed they never fruited because of winter die-back. The possibility of actually getting a big bunch of home-grown bananas has me surprisingly excited, and if it takes Christmas lights and clamped on blankets to see it across the finish line, then so be it.

Now Playing: Joanne Shenandoah/Lawrence Laughing Orenda
Chicken Ranch Central

Friday Night Videos

Friday Night Videos

No subject has ever made such a popular subject for song as love. As long as humans have been making music, love’s far and away the top choice of lyricists to write about. Writing and discussing Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch, however, got me to thinking. Amid all that blissful romance, the darker flipside beckoned, and prostitution served as the inspiration for more than a few memorable songs. The Greeks and Romans sang about prostitutes, and minstrels in the middle-ages were more than a little bawdy. Cowboys of the American West favored songs so scandalous they could strip the needles from a cactus. It’s no wonder, then, that popular music of the modern era has produced countless songs about prostitution as well.

What follows in the coming weeks is a countdown of the top 10 songs (as compiled by yours truly) about prostitution of the modern era that were not inspired by the infamous Chicken Ranch brothel of La Grange, Texas. Between The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas soundtrack and ZZ Top’s “La Grange” (not to mention works by Willis Alan Ramsey, Billy Joe Shaver, the Austin Lounge Lizards and numerous others), the Chicken Ranch would simply have an unfair advantage.

4. “Love for Sale” – Cole Porter
“Love for Sale” is the only song on this list attributed to the songwriter rather than the performer, because Cole Porter was in a class all by himself. Originally penned for the Broadway play “The New Yorkers,” the song’s blunt lyrics earned it a blanket ban from radio airplay and generated such scandal that the play was reworked to assign it from a white actress to a black one—such were the racial attitudes of the time. The song—as with all of Porter’s work—has been covered by many, many artists, but perhaps the most affecting is Billie Holiday’s rendition. Considered in relation to her own troubled history with prostitution and addiction, it takes on a powerful poignancy.

Previously on Friday Night Videos... Flight of the Conchords.

Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch: The Definitive Account of the Best Little Whorehouse is now available from both Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. It's also available as an ebook in the following formats: Kindle, Nook, Google Play, iBooks and Kobo.

Now Playing: Earth, Wind and Fire The Eternal Dance
Chicken Ranch Central

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Drafthouse redemption!

Those of you keeping score at home may remember my tale of woe from late December, where The Wife and I attended a screening of Gremlins at the Alamo Drafthouse in New Braunfels with the intention of obtaining a limited-edition Gremlins-styled tiki mug produced by Mondo for the popular theater chain. The email we'd received in November indicated that the mugs would be available only to those who purchased tickets for Gremlins or a number of other movies scheduled for special screenings. Well, turns out that turned into a logistical headache, and the Drafthouse quietly dropped those plans and simply sold the mugs to anyone who wanted them. By the time of our Gremlins screening, the New Braunfels Drafthouse location was completely out, and The Wife and I were out of luck.

Enter Tim League. The cinematic guru behind the Drafthouse, I received an email from him less than 24 hours after my initial blog post went live. He was professional and apologized for my being caught up as "collateral damage" as the promotional strategy changed. He promised to make things right, and with the aid of the uber-helpful Sarah Pitre, this package arrived yesterday:

Pretty cool, no? I'm developing a nice little tiki mug collection to go along with my tiki bar out back. Thanks a million, Alamo Drafthouse! All is forgiven!

Now Playing: Various artists Margaritaville Cafe Late Night Menu
Chicken Ranch Central

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Chicken Ranch anniversary: Happy birthday Miss Edna!

Miss Edna Milton Chadwell last Madam of the Chicken Ranch in La Grange, Texas and inspiration for Miss Mona Stangley of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Today would've been Edna Arretha Milton Chadwell's 88th birthday. Miss Edna passed away in February of 2012, the last surviving madam of the infamous Chicken Ranch in La Grange, Texas, and inspiration for Miss Mona Stangley and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Throughout the six-plus years it took to research, write and publish Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch: The Definitive Account of the Best Little Whorehouse, there was no bigger supporter than Miss Edna. As I've said elsewhere, my biggest regret is that she did not live to see the finished product. I can't say for certain what she'd have thought of it, but others who were close to the Chicken Ranch have given me the thumbs up, so I like to think Miss Edna would've approved (while giving me an earful about what I got wrong).

Let me share something about her that didn't make it into the book. When I first met Miss Edna, she asked where I was from. I answered that I was originally from Columbus. Miss Edna paused a moment, then said, "Twenty-two miles." Then she asked my wife where she was from. Bastrop, Lisa answered. Miss Edna paused again, then said, "Thirty-six miles." Almost four decades removed from her life in La Grange, Miss Edna still remembered those details that would've mattered to her prospective out-of-town customers. I'll wager we could've sat there for hours, tossing out town names like Brenham, Hallettsville, Bryan, etc. and she'd have come up with the distance between them and La Grange like there was nothing to it. I have long felt that a fascinating glimpse into her character.

Inside the Texas Chicken Ranch: The Definitive Account of the Best Little Whorehouse is now available from both Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. It's also available as an ebook in the following formats: Kindle, Nook, Google Play, iBooks and Kobo.

Now Playing: Martin Denny Primitiva
Chicken Ranch Central