People outside of Texas sometimes ask why our state legislature only convenes once every two years. The answer, of course, is that they do less damage that way. Unless, of course, the governor decides to call a dreaded Special Session, in which case the lege can do all the damage it wants, whenever it wants.
Currently, Texas is experiencing the joys of a Special Session dealing with school finance reform. School finance in Texas is problematic, to say the least. A history lesson is apropos: For decades, local property taxes have funded schools. But some areas—particularly West Texas and the Rio Grande Valley—are very poor, so the school districts there were grossly under-funded. Little over a decade ago, this was ruled by the courts as unconstitutional, and the patchwork solution was dubbed “Robin Hood.” Simply put, property tax money was taken from districts dubbed “property-rich” and given to those deemed “property-poor.” It alleviated some problems, compounded others and generally made everyone involved angry. And it did nothing to address the underlying fact that public education in Texas is woefully under-funded. In the years since, property tax rates have soared to unbelievable levels while schools are more and more often dealing with shortfalls. Some school districts are even resorting to charging students fees to participate in extra-curricular activities.
So into this morass rides Governor Rick Perry upon his white horse, leading the lege into the promised land of reduced taxes and school finance reform. The governor’s groundbreaking strategy to fund the education of our future leaders? Sin taxes. Yes, according to Governor Perry, the salvation of our education system lies in the silicone valleys of Texas strip clubs, in the carcinogen-laced packs of cigarettes and the friendly handshake of one-armed bandits. I expect luxury taxes and fees to be levied on condoms, adult novelties and DVD sales as well before the dust settles. Sure, it rather overtly encourages the commercialization of sex far beyond the titillating niche it currently holds in mainstream society, but it’s all for a good cause, right? If folks are going to be naughty, society should at least derive something for the greater good out of that bad behavior.
Unfortunately, it looks like Texans just aren’t behaving badly enough. At least not badly enough for sin taxes to plug a $2.6 billion budget hole. Ouch. No matter how hard he tries, Governor Perry’s going to find it awfully hard to hide that shortfall behind smoke and mirrors. Fortunately, I’ve got the perfect solution for him. Since he’s so keen on expanding the sin tax base, he should throw caution to the wind and go for broke: Legalize prostitution.
The upsides are enormous. Nevada has enjoyed legalized brothels for decades, and it hasn’t hurt them any. Not when you consider that Las Vegas and Reno successfully bill themselves as “family vacation destinations.” And, frankly, Texas has more historical claim to being the prostitution capital of America than Nevada. He could sign the legislation in La Grange at the grand re-opening of the Chicken Ranch. Then his office could foot the bill to treat the winner of the annual Texas A&M/Texas football game to a visit afterwards, just like in the “good old days.” Increased convention bookings from out-of-state groups would be an added benefit.
Each working girl would be licensed, paying a registration fee, of course. Each house of ill repute would be a licensed, fee-paying contributor to our children’s education. At $ 300 a pop (er… so to speak) a 10 percent state surcharge would net a tidy profit at the end of the year, in addition to the afore-mentioned licensing fees. And the marketing slogans practically write themselves: Cathouses for Kids! or Brothels for Books! trip off the tongue. And I’m certain the entrepreneurial spirit and sense of civic responsibility would pay off in handsome ways. Instead of charging students fees to participate in extra-curricular activities, schools could line up sponsorships and fundraisers with area bordellos. Instead of World’s Finest Chocolate and boring magazine subscriptions, kids could now go door-to-door peddling “Boink a Babe for the Band” certificates. Booster clubs could raffle off $10,000 VIP season-passes instead of pickup trucks and Schlitterbahn tickets. Plus, it has the added bonus of being one source of funding that wouldn’t, ah, dry up.
I was also going to suggest that the revenues could be easily doubled by expanding the legislation to include the licensing of men to serve homosexual clientele, but then thought better of it. Promotion of gay prostitution, you know, just wouldn’t be moral.
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