Thursday, August 31, 2017

...and two of them are bad.

I don't post a lot of personal content on this blog. It's uncomfortable, for starters, and secondly, it's not my place to invade the privacy of the people inhabiting my day-to-day life. And some sharing can come back to bite you if you're not very careful. But sometimes, things reach critical mass and the pressure within builds to unsustainable levels. That brings us to now.

I am at a crossroads in my life. This has been building for a number of years, and I've done my damnedest to manage the situation. But, like most ugliness, it won't be appeased or reasoned with. It's affected my health--both mentally and physically. I know it's affected my family. It's impacted pretty much every aspect of my life, and even my small triumphs over the past few years have been undermined, in part, because of this. I'm perpetually looking over my shoulder, second-guessing myself, doubting my competency.

But things change. I've been backed into the proverbial corner, and from this position I can see but three outcomes, and two of them are bad. So yeah, I'm throwing up my Hail Mary (how's that for mixing football metaphors?). Taking action to defend myself sets things in motion. I may prevail, but the odds aren't exactly in my favor. Falling short means retribution will be swift and sure. But taking no action at all means retribution will only come a little more slowly, while remaining just as sure. Think of me as a modern-day Ned Stark, for all of you Game of Thrones fans out there.

Maybe if I were a gambler, I'd feel more confident. But I seem to lack the gambling gene and Las Vegas is probably my least-favorite place in the world. So instead of confident, I'm angsty and stressed. I don't believe in a God who micro-manages the universe, who directly intervenes in the personal affairs of mere humans, as that would pretty much undermine that whole free will thing. But the pattern-recognition parts of my brain have been working overtime of late, and from a writer's point of view, I've seen so much foreshadowing and the positioning of plot devices recently that I can't help but wonder, on some level, if I'm playing out a narrative someone else is writing. That's a roundabout way of saying any positive thoughts or wishes or prayers you want to send my way would be welcome. Think of them as letters to the editor. If I am indeed approaching my own, personal 1-900-Does-Robin-Live-Or-Die issue of Batman (how's that for an old-school reference?), I'd much rather have those phone lines lit up than not.

Now Playing: Gene Rains Far Away Lands
Chicken Ranch Central

16 comments:

  1. Wishing you only the best of outcomes.

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  2. Anonymous9:36 AM

    Not quite sure how to respond, beyond good vibes and best of luck?

    Oh, and just a note, you are quite competent. ;-)

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  3. Anonymous9:38 AM

    Holding you in the light--RB

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  4. Good luck and may the outcome be favorable!

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  5. Replies
    1. Appreciate the sentiments, Howard!

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  6. I'm sorry you're dealing with stress and unpleasantness, Jayme. All good thoughts sent your way.

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  7. You are competent and smart. Whatever's going on, I wish you the strength to deal with it.

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