The Chicken Ranch: Take two

Okay, last week I posted a proposed opening paragraph for my in-progress book on the infamous La Grange Chicken Ranch. The comments were enlightening. Several people pointed out that the sentence structure tended toward complex, and there was a stilted, formal tone that didn't entirely suit the subject matter. Point taken. I've reworked the opening paragraph--keeping everyone's comments in mind--and come up with the following, which I feel is much less formal and more intimate, not to mention relaxed.

YOU don't know about Edna without you have seen a play by the name of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas; but that ain't no matter. That play was written by Mr. Larry L. King, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Sheriff Jim, or the governor, or maybe the Aggies. Sheriff Jim - Fayette County's sheriff, he was - and the Aggies, and Governor Briscoe is all told about in that play, which is mostly a true play, with some stretchers, as I said before.

As always, I invite your feedback. This is still a work in progress, so everything is subject to change!

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