Were I a man of means

New Braunfels is a great place to live. I've been here for two years now, and like it more all the time. Schlitterbahn is a great deal of wet summer fun, there are two great rivers--the Comal and Guadalupe--that are perfect for tubing, and Wurstfest is my kind of festival. If you haven't noticed, there's a distinct Germanic theme running through the names of places and events here. That's because the city was founded by Prince Carl of Solms Braunfels and settled by German immigrants in 1845. The city has basked in this heritage ever since, but more often than not, it strikes me as mere lip service. Putting "Bavarian" in the name of a run-of-the-mill motel does not make it any more German. There's a lot of that kind of thing that goes around--not even window dressing, but rather a vague nod to the cultural heritage because the business can't be bothered to put any more effort into it.

If I had the funds, I'd shake that up in a big way. New Braunfels is a Germanic tourist destination? Alrighty, then I'd give the tourists a genuine Teutonic destination:



I would build the biggest beer barrel-slash-German restaurant-slash-biergarten in North America, something that would raise eyebrows and attract attention from Los Angeles to Boston. There'd be a connected gift shop filled with steins, lederhosen, cuckoo clocks and other distinctly German items not unlike those found in the late, lamented House of Tyrol catalog, or it's successor, Alpenland International.

There'd be a stage, naturally enough, to host bands, dinner theatre or other types of events. It'd be a flexible setup with a variety of potential uses. I'd also have a CD jukebox--with free selections--filled with German music. Not your stereotypical oompah "Little Fishermen" polka bands, but actual music from German that's popular now. A separate sound system would pump a little mild polka into the gift shop, but the majority of selections played in the restaurant proper would be contemporary Deutsch.

The restaurant would serve real authentic German cuisine, and I don't mean a few sausages and sauerkraut to round out the burger and fries menu. I'm talking potato dumplings, Spannferkel (roast young pig), Rote Gruetze (fruit soup)--all sorts of exciting and delicious dishes that are mostly, if not utterly, unknown in America. I've got a relative who's married to a retired German butcher, and on occasion he will treat us to some of his home-cooked recipies, and they are nothing short of stunning. This wouldn't be some make-believe food, it'd be authentic, with my own quality control operative (although I admit I would have a "blah" section of the menu, with burgers and chicken nuggets for the kids and non-adventurous sorts).

There would be a wine list, with an extensive stock of German wines. German wines have a somewhat bad reputation because of the bulk swill marketed for export, but if you know what to look for, there really are some phenominal wines available. Riesling, obviously, is the definitive German wine, be it dry or semi-dry. A good riesling is hard to beat. Of course, if you manage to get ahold of a Beerenauslese, a Trockenbeerenauslese or even the rare and coveted Eiswein, then you've got a pretty good idea of how amazing good German wines can be. And I wouldn't limit the list exclusively to German wines. I'd include some Texas vintages (after all, Dry Comal Creek is right up the road) and samples from other Germanic contries, such as Austria, the Czech Republic and Hungary (the latter I've found to be of pretty good quality at a surprisingly low price).

The showstopper, naturally enough, would be the beer selection. Pretty much every beer available commercially from Germany would be in stock, several on tap. I'd also include Czech, Austrian, Polish, Belgian, Dutch and Swiss beers. Shiner Bock, of course, would be well represented. Also Celis, because even though they're no longer based in Austin, I still like their brews. Anyone who's eaten at Double Dave's Pizzaworks knows that they used to have a "Global Beer Expert" promotion, which rewarded patrons for sampling the mind-boggling array of imported worldly brews they had available. They haven't had that promotion for a long time, but I loved it as it gave me an excuse to sample beers I'd never have considered otherwise (Pilsner el Salvador, anyone?). I'd work out some sort of rewards program as well, keeping in mind the potential liability issues that probably ended the Double Dave's program. Ultimately, I'd like to attach a brewpub with an imported German brewmeister. The restaurant and bar is housed inside a giant keg, after all. Most brewpubs go belly-up because it's not generally a profitable buisness, but to my mind the brewpub element would be "added value" for the restaurant, rather than vice versa.

With the right location, and the right price points, I'm pretty certain this would be a runaway success. During the summer, it's almost an ironclad guarantee that every college tuber would hit the place for a beer and burger, while the place would be packed every night during Wurstfest. Travellers on I-35 would stop simply for the novelty of it. Local clubs and civic organizations would use it for meetings because of the atmosphere and unique menu. Unfortunately, it'd probably take a million bucks to do it right, and if I had that kind of money, I wouldn't have to blog about what a no-brainer idea this is.

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